While making a few movies for the The Underdark just recently, I noticed a few things said by some NPC's that I thought were really funny in the movie scene I was creating. A few made it out to some of the movies I made, but my favorite didn't ... at least not yet.

My favorite is : "Well, well.. Look who we've got here!", as said by the welcoming Drow in the Underdark

another... is "This is the part that you fall down and bleeeeed to death!", needless to say.. since I use PCsoundInnocent ( a mod that allows your character to speak), I replied with.. "euyuckck..gagh!" and fell down and died. What do you expect I was being pounded on by a yathrinshee that summoned 4 zombies and was now up to 9

What's your line?

Aoikani

"Some people want special bows that take too long to load and need special arrows called "Bolts". M'aiq thinks they are idiots."

Ooh, and if Shivering Isles ones are allowed...
"My, you're a curious one. But you know what they say about curiosity, don't you..."
"It killed the intrepid adventurer, who really should just be doing what I say at all times!"-Sheogorath

"It's my home away from places that aren't my home."
"It's quite pleasant, except when it's horrible..."
--Lord Sheogorath

"Do you happen to know the fine here for necrophelia?"

Someone actually says that?

Yeah, that Dunmer lady. She talks about being from one of the great Houses in Morrowind and if you talk to her long enough, that slips out. I can't remember what town she's in though.

Damn straight...

"You know what they say: 'Home is where you hang your Enemys Head'"

Yep its the hlaalu girl in Skingrad, i think shes the owner of the alchemy shop. Sorry i didnt mention names, i couldnt think of it at the time.

"Someone had been murdered! One of us is a killer! But who?!..."

My line is 'DON'T **** WITH ME!!' after killing an NPC. I want my char in Oblivion to say that after the attacker is dead, but I gotta learn audacity's concepts on how to handle MP3 formats.

This is a line I made entirely myself in the game, using the CS. It wasn't from the game itself.

Dar Jee, the thief argonian in Leyawiin:
"Hi, I'm Dar Jee, a Khajiit in disguise. Wanna see me lick my butt?"

The Khajiit joke he tells you is also good.

Ah, but can you beat Morrowind's "I don't recall using a teleportations spell... but there I was, alone... naked..."?

I like the "Home is where you hang your enemy's head!" line, too! Sheogorath has some of the best lines, as well.

"You got yourself a deal, idiot. Now I can sell it for five times its worth."
"Hssst, get away from me housecat! Ugh, look at that fur, what a disgrace!"
-M'raaj-Dar (if your character is a Khajiit)

My favourite, and I had to use it in a picture.

" *gasp* You're The Gray Fox ! Please don't hurt me !"

rofl! you got to be kidding me!? ...... oh I'm going to die laughing!

No, actually I am a very serious person. But you gotta check him out for sure. He's always wearing his black shirt and leather pants.

"I dont know who the 'Night Mother' is. But she pays me to kill People. My own Mother should have loved me that much!"

"I know what you're thinking. Gorgron, he's to big to be sneaky! Well, you're right! Me? I just like to go in and hack my Targets to Pieces. Ha!"

I like Gorgron gro Bolmok =)

I Think mine would have to be " I'm so happy I could just rip out your intestines and strangle ya with em" Sheogorath

My second is " You'd better not fail me or... Out come those intestines and I jump rope with em"

Its also funny when a guard kills another guard then walks over to the body and says "we have a killer in our mist, but who"

TWO ARMS! TWO ARMS!

I've seen a dark elf attacked by another dark elf and then after killing him, "You're a traitor to the race!"

Aoikani

.. ah, I've been modding too long.

For some reason, I found Malacath whipping himself into a frenzy while talking with you hilarious.

"He said they were his ogres. LYING MAGGOT! THEY'RE MY OGRES!"

I heard a blind moth priest greet another...

Can't remember exact words but I do remember the key part.

"Good to see you again."

Blind Moth Priest:

"Gotta lay off the ale...starting to see things, I am."

Flyyyyyin' flyyyyyyin' in the skyyyyyy ciffracer flyyyy sooo hiiiiiigh annnnnd flyyyyyyyiiiiiiin'

This is the part where you fall down and BLEED TO DEATH

If you see a naked lich please tell Mai'q so he may avert his eyes

I've seen mudcrabs more fearsome then you!

"Fribble! Just, fribble."

all sheos lines..

this is my favorites

Im tryin to decide what to have for dinner... oh how i love eating, one of me favorit things to do
talk to haskil if ye need more infomation he got more brain then a brainpie
Mmm Brainpie......Care to donate?

Time for a celebration.. CHEESEEE for EEVVVEEERRYYYONNEEE! No wait scratch that..

I once dug a pit and filled it with clouds....or was it clowns.... come to think of it, it began to smell... must have been clowns. Clouds don't smell, they taste of butter. And tears.

Has anyone ever overheard that orc in the dark brotherhood tell the story of when he killed a 9 (I think) year old girl on her birthday when she was having a party?
If anyone knows the name of that guy and can quote the lines please do because I'm sure that is what he talks about and I was disturbed when I heard it

the only orc in the dark brotherhood is Gorgon-gro Bolmog and he killed a 5-year old (This fact doesnt change his place in my favorite NPC's list)
i like the new sheoth graves
i like big head's teachings:D
"posion is potion spelled wrong" and one of my other fav is (dark brotherhood) "Oh, but you have, Rufio" (where is the evil laugh?)

Six. She was six. That was her birthday. So, whatever he says, technically she was six.

"This call's for a celebration CHEESE FOR EVERYONE.....wait scratch that cheese for noone."-Seogorath
My other favorite line is what my character says after I kill someone (Same as my sig)
Edit: "You have lovely eyes. I think I'll take those from you."(or something like that)-Sheogorath
The necrophilia one from Falanu is pretty funny too.

I agree, I always enjoy Malacath.

Here's one: Imperial Legion - "You have my ear, citizen."

Well, would you like for me to give it back?

My favorite line has to be, um, uh, "I've fought mudcrabs more fiersome then you!"

Or, it could be, "Protect and serve, that's our duty citizen." By the imperial legion guard.

"I'm sorry you're having a bad day..."

"I see Lord Sheogorath has given you the power to summon me. How WONDERFUL for ME."

I always think it's funny when a guard says, "Oh my, it's the hero of kvatch!" or arena/Cyrodiil. Whatever your most recent, big accomplishment is. Then when you try to speak to him, "Stop right there, criminal scum!" I'm not sure how you get a bounty without the guards still chasing you, but I've seen it more than a few times.

After that it would have to be "Gal Bursten It", a great way to end any conversation.

Shes in the Skingrad alchemist shop.

"Come on now... There's no need to get violent"

My favorite is the acrobatics trainer in Cheydinhal that says,

"Dogs are loyal and stupid, people are smart and deveous, I'll stick with dogs."

or

Sheogorath

"I'm no different, except for the ways I am."

"STOP! You violated the law! Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence. Your stolen goods are now forfeit!"
"It's all over lawbreaker! Your spree is at an end. The next move is yours: Pay your fine or I'll take you to jail!"
"Hope you rot, criminal scum!"
-Imperial guards

"Well ain't you the high-tom-titty. You want something I guess or you wouldn't be sucking up my air!"
-Orc in Grey Mare

"I heard a rumor that your an idiot. Any truth to that?" - The Blademaster in the Arena ( forgot his name ).
2nd Favorite is when you activate Sheogorath's shrine after you met him in the Ilse "A mortal? Wait... a mortal I know. MY mortal. What are you doing here, mortal, when i've given you things to do? This is when I should smite you. Give you a serious smiting. Completely smitten. When I tell you to do something, I generally mean it. I suppose there's something I can have you do while you're here ,though. A little errand. And alot of fun."

I have two, or even more, but these come to mind right now.
(Sorry, I don't know them by heart, so I'll just recite them as I remember.)

-Sheogorath: Yes, Jyggalag, the prince of Order... or biscuits? No, it must be order...
HILARIOUS! (Like this guy almost always.)
-Haskill (when you ask him about Xedilian): Oh, yes, there are no pictures in the book. How could I have expected you to read it.
Complete LOL, I think...
EDIT: Somehow, I've forgotten about this third one...
-Bhisha: Please, do make it rain burning dogs!
Absolutely funny ...

And a good runner-up...
-Dyus: I know you won't succeed; you cannot. It is predicted. But it is also predicted that this will not keep you from trying.
This is especially funny afterwards, when you have the satisfaction of knowing something beter that Dyus .

Sheogorath: Ta, Come visit again, or I'll pluck out yer eyes!!!

Dyus:(I can't quite remember how he says this one exactly) When you're like me you have come to understand that time and space are merely human perceptions, and shall never bother you, But you will never understand and so I shall not bother explaining.

Adoring Fan: By Azura, By Azura, By Azura! *shudders*

The Elderly Woman at summitmist manor(can't remember her name): (She says this when she is the only person left in the manor and doesn't know that you're the killer) We're the only one's left! We've got to get out of h - Urk!(arrowhead protrudes out of the back of her head)

Nels The Naughty: You know how I got my name? Hu hu hu hu...

Theres one oerc in CheydenHall ( I think) anyways, when you try to talk to him, he sais something like

" Oh stop botherting me, I don't have time! "

And if you keep doing something ( Rumors topic I think) he sais somethign like this,

" Bzzt, Bzzt, I can't hear you, you're just a bee buzzing in my ear!"

I swear I don't lie!

-out

Lord Dagon will welcome your soul IN OBLIVION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Buzz, buzz, buzz... Go away, little fly."
- Dulfish gro-Ogum

"Farewell, my friend. May your blade always strike true. And first. Hee hee"
- Blue Team Gladiator

"I am SICK of Orcs coming in here and giving me the business. OOOOHH, Bugak got books! OOOOHH, Bugak's a sissy scroll scribbler"
- Bugak gro-Bol

"Have you seen all the rats around here? Its making me crazy! First this guy decides he's gonna make a million, opens a fancy restaurant: Rats in a Cream Sauce, Rat Flambe, Rat Necrom with Bonemeal Gravy, Deep-Fried Rat, Lemon Rat and Wild Rice, Rat Ragu with Powdered Deer P**is! Of course, when the guards found out, they ran his sorry butt out of town, but they left the rats. Rats!"
- Weebam-Na

"Urbul gro-Orkulg knows you NEED axes and blunt weapons. BIG ones. So, he makes them and sells them here... Slash 'N Smash, the BIG Orc Weapon Shop. BIG weapons. For BIG heroes."
- Urbul gro-Orkulg

"You want light armor? Pah! Why wear fluffy flutter when you can wear REAL armor? But if you MUST have light armor, talk to Maro Rufus. Idiot."
- Varnado

@ianfreddie07 - you gotta watch this! Weebam Na loses "it"

Funny thing is, he's telling the truth.

poi·son
Pronunciation: \ˈpȯi-zən\
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin potion-, potio drink — more at potion

“ the city is a beautiful place…so full of the gullible and stupid”
shade said it after i downloaded the Oblivion Sound Sets mod (Safana sound set)
her voice was like i envisioned it when i was thinking of her personality.

the mod can be found here
http://www.tesnexus.com/downloads/file.php?id=12588

Some funny ones.

"I am Lord Rugdumph gro-Shurgak. How may I persist you?"
"The will-o-the-wisp is a luminous being. It has naturalized residences to many types of spells."
"I am resident to encounter the minotaur. Its horny protuberants cause me great conflagrations."
"Trolls, I have been foretold, are particular to unflammable weapons."
"Though I am replicant to spread rumors, I am led to believe the philogy of skeletous beings makes them resistive to magic."
(On the subject of Ogres) "Horrible creatures! Replete with horror and evil. They roam freely eastward of the estate. I look forward to you exterminizing them."
(When you ask him about his missing daughter) "I fear that whilst out rock-picking, she was apprehensive. Stolen away! My suspension is that ogres have abjected her!"
"Precedeth most urgentlike."
(When you complete the quest and receive his sword) "You found my belabored daughter! I will tell Burz gro-Khash about your indentures! Take this. It has been passed in my family for many generators."

" you know why Khajiits lick their butts? To get the taste of their cooking out of their mouths!"