This place is entirely too stale, we take ourselves way too seriously.
It’s time for some humor!

The rules are this:
Clean jokes only, no, swearing or adult language, some of the best comedians will admit to you it is harder to come up with funny clean jokes than to fall back on swearing and adult themed content.
No negative comments on some one else’s joke at all, no matter how bad it is!!!!!!!!
You may reply by rating them with numbers only, 1-3, 3 being the best, 1 being the worst, nothing more.

So post you’re best clean jokes here & rate them 1-3, no comments!

*****You can get extra credit by making the joke about The Elder Scrolls.*****



I'll start.

One evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The Big Sissy"

Oookay, this is completely off-topic here. Moving this to The Lounge.

Steven Wright:
I went on vacation and stayed at this hotel.
The swimming pool was on the twelfth floor……..that was a deep pool.

Well this is going bad fast... While I can agree somewhat with Peregrine that some of the better jokes need swearing, or offensive language, and that the reason why "some of the best comedians will admit to you it is harder to come up with funny clean jokes than to fall back on swearing and adult themed content." is because clean jokes by nature aren't funny. There isn't that offensive tone which makes things sound more funny since not only is it the situation explained, but how it is explained, and the fact that someone actually explained it like that, that makes a joke funny. The only way for a clean joke to be funny is when it deals with an abstraction of logic which the audience has to figure out, and while harder, is not a form of humor most people enjoy.

However, since these forums may be viewed by younger persons, including jokes which use such language or explainations wouldn't be appropiate. While you may not agree with younger people using the net, they do, and you aren't there to physically stop them from doing so. Ignoring this only encourages those young people to adopt your use of language as the acceptable way of acting, and actually makes the problem worse.

It is however odd to note how quickly you condemn swearing, or suggestive language, but didn't mention racial/cultural slurs. With the broad range of people who view this forum, you'd think more people would find those sorts of jokes to be far more offensive than any one containing swears.

That said, the only pure form of comedy is prop comedy, everything else is limited to language or culture. Besides, in what other form of comedy can a months worth of material be gained by a single trip to the $1 store?

You are right Vagrant, I'm sorry I didn't mention that.
I should have been more specific and not of assumed everyone would know that's what I meant by clean.
Let’s not use racial / cultural slurs either.

The only thing funny recently on this thread is how every one is talking about what’s funny but not posting any jokes.\\\???

Here's an old joke adapted to TES:

This Dunmer walks into Olav's Tap & Tack in Bruma and orders a sujamma. Surprised, Olav looks around and says, "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Morrowind."

The Nord bartender asks, "What do you do there in Morrowind?"

The Dunmer responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

Olav asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole place, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[Pointless Flaming Removed, bad rob! - Switch]

1st joke, "Dogs Aren't Allowed":
A man goes into a pub with his dog and goes to the bar. The bartender says to the guy "You can't bring that dog in here!"

Without missing a beat, the guy replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I'll let you have the first round on the house." The guy takes his drink and sits at a table near the door.

Another guy walks in with his chihuahua, to which the first guy says, "Just say that's your seeing-eye dog"

"Thanks man!"

The bartender sees the guy and tells him the same thing he told the first guy.

"Oh, this is my seeing-eye dog."

"That can't be your seeing-eye dog - it's a chihuahua."

"Wha... ?! They gave me a chihuahua!?!"

2nd joke, "Bubba Got Shingles":
Bubba walked into the doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

"Shingles" replied Bubba.

So the receptionist wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Bubba waited about 15 mins., afterwhich a nurses' aid came out and asked him what he had.

"Shingles."

So the nurses' aid wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Again Bubba replied, "Shingles", so the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an EKG, and told him to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor.

After waiting another half hour, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.

"Shingles."

"Where do have shingles?" asked the doctor.

"Outside in m'truck. Where do want 'em?"

3rd joke, "Clocks for Liars":
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He St. Peter asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only lied twice hs entire life."

"And where's Hillary's clock?"

"Oh, Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

See, clean jokes aren't funny. Or maybe it's just my very dry sense of humor.

This is kind of funny.

Are you kidding? That was quite boring.

Funny because the guy screwed up so badly and ended up shotting himself in the foot.

Good ones rob_b, they progressively got better.

Grow up. Real injuries are not funny. Someone actually got badly hurt there.

Not so long ago before he became Pope, our current Pontiff used to drive on a regular basis. He liked driving and was an excellent driver. When he became Pope they gave him a driver and diy was out of the question.

Last year the Pope went to South America. The night before he was due to go to the airport he told his staff that he wanted to avoid the paparazzi and would get up at 3 am to be able to get to his private jet without being seen.

3 am and his luggage is loaded and the Pope and his driver are ready. The Pope does not however get in the car.

"Gvido," he says. (That's Guido of course but he has a German accent). "It is 3am and no one is around. I will drive to the airport!"

Of course his driver tries to stop him but the Pope is his employer and pulls rank. He tells Guido to sit low in the back so the Pope can pretend he is alone in the car as he used to be.

Guido is terrified of what might happen but he has little choice in the matter. Surprisingly, as the Pope pulls out into the near empty streets of Rome, Guido realises that he can drive well. It is fine until they reach the autostrada to Fiumicino airport. Now the Pope, being German, is used to autobahns where there are no speed limits. Varooooommm!!!!

And of course, as chance would have it, he streaks past a bored traffic cop.

The cop races up on his super-charged cycle and pulls the car over. He gets off the bike, swaggers up to the driver, looks twice, goes back to the cycle and gets on his radio to HQ demanding to speak to the chief of police. He won't take 'no' for an answer.

The chief, like all respectable senior Italian policemen, is of course in bed with his mistress and resents being disturbed.

The cop explains he has pulled over a car for doing 180 kph in a 130 kph zone.

"So, why bother me? Book him!"

The cop demurs, "He's pretty big."

"Even better. Book him!"

"I mean, really very big!"

The chief is getting angry. "What, you have the mayor in there?"

"Bigger than the mayor!"

"Not the President?"

"Bigger than the President!"

"Don't tell me it's the US President!"

"Bigger than the US president!"

The Chief is bemused. "Who the devil is bigger than the US President?"

For a moment the cop hesitates, then blurts out. "Actually, I think it's God!"

"What! How can you possibly imagine it's God in that car?"

"Well.... He's using the Pope as his chauffeur!"

Actually, considering how negligent he was, he deserved what he got. His foot easily could've been a kid's head.

That was great Malchik!

I also see Peregrine has kept his slip on...... Freudian slip that is.

Only on these forums could people manage to turn a thread about jokes into a flamefest. Sheesh! Gone through and removed all record of the offending material.

Peregrine... I don't have any reasoning left for you. Stop flaming/trolling or I'll recommend another ban to Dark0ne.

rob_b, don't be a hothead. I've edited out the flaming in your post.

That's not flaming. Note the title of the thread: JOKES. I think it should be obvious that I wasn't serious about that. It's not my fault if the guy can't appreciate a little humor at his expense. I mean, really, he posts a rule about "no dirty jokes"... violating that in an offensive way was mandatory.


And notice that I didn't go whining to the moderators when hoots7 and rob_b posted their counter-attacks. Unlike some people (such as yourself), I don't break down and cry at the first sign of an offensive word.

I'll give a 2 (extra point)
So don't tell me the name of the bar was "The Blue Nec" right? lol

This is real funny and yes, it is clean .

Joke#1
A blind man and a deaf woman walked into a bar.
She should have seen it coming.

Joke#2
A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no.
The next day, the same dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no. The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no and if you ask me again I'll nail your paws to the wall.The next day, the dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any nails. The bartender says no and the dog says "Well in that case do you have any grapes?"

Smart dog, 3

An engineer's brain sold once in a bid for $300,000. An artist's brain sold for twice as much, probably because it was unused.

A dremora went into the Inn of Ill Omen and sat down on a stool at the bar.
"I'd like a pint, landlord" it snarled.
Maulhand pulls a pint (quivering slightly) and serves it to the dremora, saying "that'll be 20 gold please".
The dremora pays the money and drains the beer. As it walks out Maulhand plucks up the courage to say:
"We don't get many dremora in here."
"I'm not surprised, with beer at 20 gold per pint!"

Three men, one a poor man from Canada, one a horny playboy from Sweden and the other an Amnesiac American, are at the edge of a cliff when an Ogre picks them up. He tells them that this is a magic cliff and that when you are thrown over it, say whatever it is you want and it will appear to break your fall. So one by one they were thrown off the cliff by the Ogre.
Canadian: 12 trillion dollars!!
Swede: Women!!!!!
American: OOOOHHHHHH SSHHHHH****TTTTTTT!!!!!!!

I will try too keep this as clean as possible.

1---Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

2---Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

So he proceeded: 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the 9th berry he burst out in laughter and was killed immediately.

Weeks later, the first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

3---A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

BUWAHAHAHAHA (Nice!)
John A. MacDonald (as a child) was consulting a fortune teller on how his future would turn out.
"You will unite a Canada free from British rule and forever be remembered in the hearts and textbooks of future generations."
"Really? WOW!"
So everyday, little John came back to the fortune teller and the fortune teller kept telling him wonders. About a month later, she told him that he had a future living on the streets of Ottawa.
"Why would that be?"
"Well, judging by the way you blow your money on crummy fortune tellers.....

Here's ten questions:

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?





Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?


====================================================


In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

HAHAHA
When they were laying down the train tracks in the great Canadian West, there was a small dispute between the workmen and the local Sioux. A representative from Ottawa was sent to strike a deal with the chief. When he arrived, all the natives began pointing at him and saying "Firhk". Thinking this was some sort of compliment, he smiled and waved. Later, while talking to the chief in a big field, he stepped in a whopping pile of horse manure. The chief said "White man should pay more attention to were he is going, so he won't step in horse firhk."

lmao...my turn

One day, a man and his wife had dinner at a mexican restaurant. The lady ordered a taco, but the man ordered the special. Soon the waiter returned with the taco and the man's dish, which consisted of rice, beans, and two large, dark, steaming lumps on a plate. "What is this?" asked the man. The waiter replied "They are cahones, taken from the bull that lost the bullfight this morning." The man was disgusted, but the waiter insisted he try them. He did. "These are delicious! I will have to bring my friends next time!."

So, the next day, the man returns to the restaurant with 3 of his friends. As before, his friends ordered tacos and burritos, and the man ordered the special again. The waiter brought the plates, but this time the cahones were different. "Waiter" he said "this isn't what I ordered. These are much smaller than last time." The waiter leaned close to the mans ear. "Senor." he whispered "The bull doesn't always lose..."

Hey Ninjalord, Yah missed one
11. What's long hard and full of semen?
Ans: A submarine (whoops looks like I misspelled seamen)

Aren't we supposed to rate them?

Marcus Wolfe 2

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

Yes, but no flaming


2, Sounds like you guys have Jersey jokes like we have Aggie jokes.

Hillarious joke (watch the entire thing): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGVL_reIuJM...ted&search=

????
Anyways...............................
On parent teacher night, Mr.Wiggleberth looked nervously out on the assembling crows of parents.

In the first interview, one of the parents tells him "Look, I know my son says I put people six feet under, but I'm not a serial killer. I'm a mortician." Mr.Wiggleberth was relieved and the interview went well.

In the second interview, one of the parents tells him "Look, I know my son says I make things explode, but I'm not a pyromaniac as much as pyrotechnist. I make and light fireworks." Mr.Wiggleberth was again relieved and the interview also went well.

In following interviews, parents whose kids claim to sell drugs were just pharmacists, 'chainsaw wielders' were local lumberjacks, butchers were, well, butchers and 'senseless fight pickers' amateur boxers. Until the last interview......

"Ah, Mr.Jambia, at last the final interview comes. It's weird. Your kid claims you are a member of the Mafia."

"Mr.Wiggleberth, I am about to make you an offer you can't refuse......"

Time for a bit of british humour I think....

Bloke heads to a pub called "the queens legs" but its closed so he buggers off for five minutes, when he comes back its still closed so he waits for a while, eventually a suspicious bobbie wanders up to the bloke and asks "why you doing standing out here, then?" the bloke casually replies "im waiting for the queens legs to open so I can have a drink"

Hehehe cracks me up every time, american audiances might not appreciate it but its damned funny when when you hear it for the first time

I'm british, and I didn't get that. Oh....

Two Blondes getting legless in a pub one Tuesday night, and the barman says "It's not like you two to be getting plastered mid-week." "We're Celebrating" says one of the Blondes..."We just completed a 50 piece jig-saw puzzle and it only took us two and a half days!" Incredulous the barman says " WHAT! two and a half days for a 50 piece puzzle??????" "Yeah" replied the Blonde "Good isn't it, because it had 2 to 4 years on the box!"

Haha, good one!

Here's a link for a short movie (more like accident while doing one) based on the SAW series.
Not really a joke, but it sure made me laugh my a$$ off.

I agree with Jonlissla, that was a good one.
3

LMAO. That was good. Here's one.

Q: If a smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Claus jump off a cliff, who hits the ground first?
A: The dumb blonde because the other two don't exist.

....Actually, that was crap. Here's a much better one.

A little man is drinking in a pub, and watches a soldier come up to the pretty barmaid and says:
"Tickle your arse with a feather."
"What?" replies the barmaid.
"Particularly nasty weather."
The little man thinks this is a terriffic joke, and so wanders to the pub on the other side of the road to the evil looking barmaid, but gets confused and blurts out:
"Stick a feather up your arse and it's raining like hell outside!"

I know this joke isn't rated as "G" (more like "PG-13"), but here goes *takes a deep breath*

So a camel and an elephant meet on a road in India. The elephant asks the camel "I've always been baffled as to why you guys (camels) have breasts on your backs."

The camel pauses for a moment, then replies "That's odd coming from someone who has a penis on his face."


That one was bordering on "R" . OK, another one, with not as much innuendo:

Q: A beaner and a an Afro-American are sitting in a car - which one's driving?

A: The fuzz.


One more for the road:

A Buddhist is ordering at a hot dog vendor, the vendor asks "What would you like?"

The Buddhist says "Make me one with everything."


All jokes courtesy of Urban Dictionary (specifically the definition for "joke")

A few from Steven Wright:

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

two in one grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

--------------------------------------------------------------

five surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

--------------------------------------------------------------

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

I give them a 2, 3 & 2, very good.

The Offensive Parrot:

A guy goes to a pet shop and sees a parrot for sale and it is very cheap. Upon enquiring he was told that it is very rude. Thinking this might be a novelty, he goes and buys it. After a small amount of swearing the guy has a chuckle and goes on about his business.
The next day, things get really bad and it turns out that this parrot has a FILTHY mind, so much so that the guy cringes at many of the things it says. The worst thing is, is he can't get the bird to stop. After about a week of putting up with this hideously rude parrot he's hade enough. He opens the cage, none too softly snatches the parrot opens the freezer and hurls the bird in, slams the freezer door shut and lays down on the couch to relax.
Some time passes and he realises that he forgot about the bird in the freezer! "OMG i am gonna get it now!" He thinks shuddering, he gingerly opens the freezer, prepares for a series of insults and gets the parrot gently.
The parrot says in a very calm and diplomatic voice:
"Good afternoon sir, i feel i may have offended you with my vulgar language and i most humbly offer my most sincere apologies for any harm i am have caused you. I intend on making ammends at the first avaliable opportunity..."
The guy is stunned. "This must be a trick" he thinks to himself. But before he can say anything in reply the parrot goes on:
"...and good sir, if i may ask, What did the chicken do?"

A guy turns up to a new restaurant and says "I have heard that the special soup is to die for."
"Sorry sir, we just sold our last one to that gentleman over there"
A little downtrodden he just asks for a coffee. After a while he notices that the guy who ordered the last soup hasn't even touched it. He's just reading his paper, so he moseys on over and asks if he is going to eat it "Nah, help yourself, mate" comes thereply so the guy starts devouring it. He gets about half way down when he notices a half eaten mouse in it. Immeditately he throws up his food back right into the bowl. Horrified, he looks up and the bloke with the paper says, "Yeah, thats about as far as i got too!"

Lawyer
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most -- his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Snappy Answers
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, “Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No, they're dead."

The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-alec bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A nun was waiting at the airport to greet her mother superior off a flight home. After a warm greeting, both the ladies hop into the car and the sister drives them back to the convent. It is late at night and the drive is lengthy. A fair way into the drive the sister turns down an unlit dirt road. It is a bumpy winding road with over hanging tree that don't allow for much light. Needless to say, they can't safely drive very fast along this treacurou road. All of a sudden a fierce vampire leaps from a tree onto the hood of the car and snarls menacingly at them. Petrified, the sister asks the mother superior, "What do we do" The mother superior wisely replies, "Show him your cross!" Obediently, the sister plucks up all her courage, winds down the window, leans out at the vampire and screams "GET THE HELL OFF MY CAR YOU BLOODY MORON!"