Guess what... I've got some poetry for you! And I would appreciate any comments you might have... ANY!


The Fall - Women laugh at me with words of comfort

I can feel the cold air whipping my face
Falling fast into the abyss
The laughing screams behind me push me, give me speed
A prejudice hits me in the back

Where am I coming from?
Where am I going?

I turn around, and I see myself a thousand times
I laugh at myself, and so I do a thousand times
I wave good-bye, turn around and continue my descent
Through the night and into the chill morning

But there is no sun on the horizon
There is no horizon

In the dark I'm greeted by a thousand women
They all have my eyes
And they look at me
And they comfort me

They comfort me with soothing voices
Loving, caring and compassionate voices
Until one of them succumbs to laughter
It throws her to the ground and makes love to her
Soon they are all laughing
All

Where am I?

An orgy of laughing women
Screaming women
Crying women

The last hope fades

Ridiculed
Tantalized

Burned alive in hell

Where is the release that I so covet;
The honest smile, with no ill intentions
The truthful promise of support
A loving hand to hold...




"He who fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. And when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you."---- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Life is a five-star restaurant with only laughter on the menu, and today it's my turn to pick up the check... I've got no money!" ---- Hehe, I said that...

You've got a poem yourself? Post it!

Lots of poems been posted already, have a look back through old threads.

I like the poem.

Mind you it sounds a bit of a crie de coeur from a lot of PC gamers. 'Why can't I find a girlfriend?' they sob into their monitors. Hehe a bit poetic that line - no?

Where is my true love?
My tears splash onto the keyboard and the letter X sticks.
X for kisses
X for crosses
X for ex-lovers

I am sure I saw her in Suran
Or was it swimming in the Khull and cruel sea?
Shameless she strode towards me naked
A mod I think

And yet she would not let me touch her
If for one moment my fingers could pass through the screen

They'd be bitten off by a ****** cliff racer!

More poems please!

A great poem, Malchik. But what exactly are you implying? Should I take it as an insult?

Nah, I just wanted to let everyone know that the poem is not a cry for the love that exists between man and woman... But the love that exists (or is missing) between people! I'm not going to give a full interpretation of the poem, as that is something the reader has to to for himself. Interpretation is, after all, the essence of poetry IMO.

Ah yes, so you told me before but as you say interpretation is in the eye of the beholder. The use of strong sexual imagery (as I see it) emphasises the sexual over the spiritual or world-caring sides of love to me.

I'd be interested to know whether a woman would see it differently. (Theta any comment?) But in any case, even if I am getting a different message from the one you intended, it's still a good piece. And if something can be interpreted in several ways it has more power!

BTW my piece of nonsense was not aimed at you. I'd just been communicating with another forum member and commenting that due to time constraints girls and pc games don't mix very easily during one's schooldays!

Sexuality is indeed one of the most powerful tools a writer has, is it not?



Spot on, Mr. Malchik! The reason that I gave everything a sexual undertone was to imply how I feel about the worlds view on "love"...

Note to everyone; Normally I would send this as a pm to Malchik, but I love discussing poetry etc. so I'm posting it here in hopes that we might get public poetry debates started on the forum.

If a woman could respond that would be great, as women are the focus of the poem... I hope it is also understood that the ones chasing him into the abyss in the first place were men! Just wanted to make that clear!

I would seriously like to know how people react to this poem, and all opinions are valid! It is poetry, and that means that you can say whatever you like!

Malchik asked me to have a look at this poem, and to comment on it, so I shall take that liberty.

Hmm.

I don't see the poem as commenting on the love (or absence thereof) between people. I am left with a strong impression of a feeling of victimisation and self pity on the side of the narrator, coupled with a strong sense of envy, and ultimately rejection.

Women seem to be perceived in this poem as the mechanism by which the narrator can be released from this victim state - yet the narrator is passive, and does not strive to redeem him/herself. The narrator does not interact, he/she observes, and by use of sexual imagery, leaves a voyeuristic impression. No wonder the women lose interest! The guilt for this victim state, however, is then shifted onto the women - by showing no concern for the narrator they are denying him/her redemption. The women's laughter is interpreted as a mockery of the narrator, rather than the women's happiness or enjoyment, and once again sexual and denigrating imagery is used. By interpreting the laughter in this way, the previous concern expressed is invalidated - once again the response of the self-pitying victim.



Well... I was asked to comment!

Sorry i took so long to reply, Tor_Anders, especially after you were so quick with mine.

I'm liking this alot. At the moment i'm trying to write a song for my band that runs sort of along the same lines, and it reflects almost exactly what i'm trying to capture with guitar riffs rather than rhyming couplets

The last paragraph is superb, because it confirms what sort of person you (in the poem ) are like. I also like the "They comfort me with soothing voices" paragraph, just for the image (and memories) that it conjured.

I'm not sure about the "Who am I? Where am I going?" lines, but i'm not a poet and i'm not sure of the significance of them. All in all, damn good!

Theta; Well, according to my own intentions with the poem you're absolutely right! In a way I had hoped that noone would see the self-pity, but it is indeed there. Love is not a vital part of the poem, just a tool with which the self-pity and the grief can be resolved! And yes, the laughter was meant as mockery of the narrator. Being laughed at like this can bring about the worst kind of pain; Lonelyness, despair and frustration. I myself have witnessed (and I'm sure many others have as well) what happens when a person grows up and is the subject of constant mockery and laughter; They loose self-esteem and they loose hope! They're alienated (sp)! And it's not just the women that laughs at him! As I said he'd just come from the men, and their laughter was what drove him into the abyss in search for his last hope; the women. I think what he's looking for would best be described as a mother...

loveme4whoiam; I started my writing at 16, when I wrote songs for my band, too. It just took me a couple of years to admit that it was poetry. The last lines are essential! An epiphany of sorts! The three 'where' questions are my own, not the narrator's! I'm kind of asking myself where I stand in all this! I know that I have been laughing at people, and been one of the 'mindless zombies'! I hope I've changed that now...

Btw, the sentence "They comfort me with soothing voices" was the first one I wrote! How's that for art? Just a plain sheet of paper with those six words...

Thanks for responding, both of you! It's appreciated!

Yes, I know what you mean about the laughter and mockery. :/

I sometimes write poetry as catharsis, and often it is full of self-doubt and self-pity - singularity


In a way, I suppose one could interpret your poem as indicative of a changing relationship between the narrator and 'women'. The comfort of soothing voices could be analogous to that of the mother, so when the narrator flees from others and seeks comfort it is only natural to seek out 'women' as mother - looking for the sanctuary of childhood, when the mother's voice could make everything all right, and shield the child from a hostile, mocking world.

But the narrator is no longer a child - 'women' are no longer represented by the mother, but an altogether different creature - comfort has been replaced with mocking laughter, the sanctuary of childhood is closed to the narrator, and the narrator is lost, looking for a relationship to replace that which is lost.....


*thoughtful*